The Real Wonderland

Chuck Norris. Legend, or legendary?

thetooshie — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 10:43:53 +0000

So, what have I learnt today? Well, not being a Twitterholic has its downsides.

And you know what else? I think I’m recovering from my Chuck Norris obsession. Except that I spent all day showing random strangers this, and then laughing to myself.

Nope. I’m still as in love obsessed um….pleasantly watching him pee thinking of him from his closet a faraway land.

But, do you really blame me? After all, Chuck Norris…

Just... wow.

Chuck Norris can not love, but only not kill.
Chuck Norris cures cancer…with his pee.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse – horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Jesus was a weaker version of Chuck Norris
As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.”
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
The phrase ‘break a leg’ was originally coined by Chuck Norris’s co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries.
Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they’re always slick with blood.
Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know – Except for the definition of mercy.
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting… because he’s not acting.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked one of the corners off.
Chuck Norris discovered America.
Chuck Norris invented sliced bread.
Chuck Norris decides the weather.
Chuck Norris does not walk. He glides.
What age was Chuck Norris when he got his driver’s licence? 16seconds.
Where does Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick come from? Straight from God.
Chuck Norris has his own gravity field.
Chuck Norris caused the Tsunami….by farting.
When a butterfly flaps its wings, it causes a hurricane on the other side of the world. Chuck Norris surfs in hurricanes for fun.
In the beginning, there was one word. The Word was with Chuck Norris, and the Word was Chuck Norris.

And that, I think, sums up the Chuck Norris experience.

Disneyholic?

thetooshie — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 17:34:48 +0000

Just spent the day looking at old Disney singalong videos. Yay!

Anyway, I’ve decided that I want to be

where the people are

and so I’ve decided that when I’m 23, I’m going to move to London.

By the way, has anyone else always loved Ariel’s hair? I mean, look at that fringe! It’s so big and bouncy, even when she’s underwater. Also, how come all of the mer-people in that film never have that really puckered skin you get from spending ages underwater? I mean, they spend their lives underwater – but not once is there a single water-dimple.

Ooh, read a bunch of Glee spoilers useful information today on Glee, and I can’t wait for the last nine episodes!!! YAY!

Eww, check out the guy below in the Mac/iPod cult. Well done, Steve Jobs, Apple has finally corrupted a nation.

*Sarcastic applause for Steve Jobs*

Awesome.

thetooshie — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 14:41:44 +0000

In this, there is an element of… well. Google. Apple. Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Emily Davidson, Christabel Pankhurst – everyone who has even been and still is who was a genius and an inspiration. This is phenomenally cool.

Almost as cool as Chuck Norris.

Just…awesome. I want that many Post-Its!

Ways To Annoy Someone In Bed

thetooshie — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 14:00:03 +0000

Kick the other person repeatedly in the night.
Then build a pillow wall down the middle of the bed.
Clutch the sheet to stop yorself from floating up to the ceiling.
Pretend to sleep, and constantly pant your mother’s name.
Then moan your pet bear’s name. If you don’t have a pet bear, just scream “Herbert!”. Why? Because Herbert is possibly the most sexy name ever.
Attach a laser to your head. If they turn to look at you, turn it on so that it burns their eyes out.
Or just sleep with a gun. Safety catch off.
But load that gun with custard pellets. Just to be safe.
Before you get into bed, ask the person what their name is. Repeat at various intervals.
Spend ages in the shower.
Clip your toenails on their pillow.
Buy this bed:
Have a fake head made. In the morning, leave it in the bed when you’re in the shower.
Put a giant cardboard cutout of Robert Pattinson in bed with you.
Sleep in a Robin costume.
Force them to sleep in Batman costume.
After sex, read them 6 Chapters of the Bible, or other religious book.
Give them sleeping pills. When they’re asleep, tattoo Chuck Norris’ face over theirs. Wait, that’s not actually annoying - that’s just cool. Everyone wants to look like Chuck Norris.
Nah, I suppose it is annoying. You’d have to change your passport photo.